The hardest step
she ever took
was to blindly trust
in who she was.
– Atticus
Confidence. Something I have always quite lacked.
For as long as I can remember, I have always doubted myself. I don’t even know why that could be. My parents had always had faith in my intellect, so that can’t be it. I have never excelled in anything in particular, just above average in every subject, really. I used to dance. It used to give me such pleasure, I didn’t care who saw me when I was dancing because I really lost myself in it. Thankfully, I wasn’t too bad so nobody made fun of me for that.
It was just one thing though that I didn’t mind sharing with the world. I have never really built up enough courage to speak publicly, nor have I had enough guts to speak out when people are wrong in certain discussions. I don’t know why that is so and frankly, it’s been extremely frustrating. This lack of confidence has had time to seep into the very fabric of my being and now, I can’t get rid of it.
This lack is always felt on a daily level, it’s the little things where I can’t tell off anyone for littering on the road or doing something bad in public. Or even if my father is being unreasonable about something. I fold in easily and I have been trying for the last year and a half to be better. It’s been a hard process and frankly, seriously tiring. Initially, I wasn’t too sure about the whole getting my thoughts out there and all that but slowly, I did start and people listened. Sometimes. Most times, they couldn’t care less.
However, I think I have reached that point in the journey where I couldn’t finish it fast enough and that’s obviously not going to happen. My therapist had told me that I am a shy introvert and that was always going to be the dominant factor with me. However she did tell me not to lose hope and to try and build up my confidence little at a time. I would have really loved a proper manual about this, figuring this out on my own has been a bit of a trial and error (mostly errors). When I told her this, she just laughed and told me that’s half the fun. Figuring it out, finding out what works with me and what doesn’t.
I know she’s right, of course, she is but I still long for a proper set of rules and directions for this.
I am already in my late twenties, this journey is going to take years and I am very scared if I will ever make it. Its not that I don’t want to do it but I have tried and more than half the times, it hasn’t ended well for me. It’s scary and unknown and while I like to call myself imaginative, this time I simply can’t imagine a time when I don’t lack confidence.
I think, in a way, I have overcome a little bit of the fear. I mean, I am here, aren’t I? I am free and I am kinda better (mental health-wise) so I have come a little further than I was two years ago but the speed at which I travel is a bit too slow, I fear.
What do you think? Do you have problems with confidence like me? Or have you conquered those problems and come up the winner? If yes, then, please, share the secret with me.
I might come back to this with another installment, perhaps with a solution to my problems if I find some?
bookwormmuse 