A little about the past (1)

Because you can’t have your present or your future without your past.

And boy, mine has been pretty messed up. It’s not that I feel sorry for myself about the whole fiasco but it just angers me for messed up it was. There are days when I am still astonished that those things happened to me, that I allowed them to happen to me. I am not saying I had it coming but I guess, I just never saw myself as someone who could be a victim. Someone who would even entertain thoughts of ending it all, especially considering I absolutely detest the idea of ending it all. I am not using the proper term for a reason. I do not really like it.

I guess it all started when I lost my grandmother, that’s when everything fell out of order. She passed away and I lost my bearings. It was as simple as that, she had been my rock emotionally, personally. I had my parents, of course but she had a special place in my heart, in my life and she still does. Just in a different way now. I lost my interest in studies and it showed in my exam results. I had never suffered true, genuine loss before her and never faced failure before that, so it just shattered me. Mind and heart.

My overall confidence in myself and in others winked out of existence and so the dominoes started to fall. One by one, everything that was good in my life turned horrible. I failed thrice before I passed. During those times, ending anything never entered my mind, I wasn’t raised that way. Failure was absolutely making my life miserable, my confidence was at an all time low but that thought never entered my mind. I was depressed and absolutely nothing was done about it because we didn’t know. We didn’t know that I was depressed, that I could need help in that regard, it wasn’t considered at all. Not for a long time.

So, I swam around in my failure and horrifyingly, I became comfortable with failure. With the fact that I wasn’t really doing anything with my life, that I wasn’t driving towards my dreams. It was like everything stopped for me. Emotionally, academically and financially. It wasn’t a good time. Then my parents tried to help me out by asking me to try different things. Perhaps they could have succeeded if I wasn’t so far gone but I continuously disappointed them for years. I couldn’t muster enough confidence in myself to actually go through with new courses, new things.

I genuinely believed that I was good for nothing in life. Sometimes, I still do.

It was during those times that my mum passed away, that was a year and a half long struggle with cancer. A battle she lost bravely. That did not help with my matters but that did sort of spring me into action. Or rather…my family tried to push me into action. And they succeeded, to a certain degree.

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